Sorry

As I am sure you have all noticed I am lagging on the blogging department of my life. Sorry but right now in my life I am just trying to make it one day at a time. As most of you know I have dealt with depression in my life and it is back with vengeance. I was taking meds to help but they weren't really helping so I came off my meds and just was taking supplements, exercising, and trying to get out of the house more often. That worked for a while but then around Halloween I just started feeling down again. I wasn't really bad, just had a couple bad days. BUT then around Christmas when I was up visiting my family it all came crashing down. I didn't really want to be around anyone, I was very short tempered with Andrew, and my family confronted me about my problem and said I needed to get back on my meds. I HATE being on meds though b/c I just feel so numb, and I don't feel like I can connect with Jon or Andrew on any level. BUT I HATE feeling like my life has no purpose and just sleeping as much as I can so the day will go by faster. I know I am not in a healthy place at all, but I just feel so trapped b/c I hate being on meds but I can't live like this any longer.

I am grateful though for my friends that have reached out to me and tried to help me, but I just feel so guilty b/c I can't reach back to them. I feel frozen with hate and fear and hopelessness.

I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty or bad, but I just have to get this out or I am going to burst.