Just Be

When I went to my counselor Thursday we talked about my negative self talk being so powerful and needing to not be so harsh on myself. The best advice I got was to just be, which immediately I asked be what? She said I just needed to be okay with how I am now and just be instead of trying to be something. At first I didn't really understand but I am starting to get it I think. I am finding it really hard to "Just Be" and not judge myself especially today.

This morning I was woke up by a sweet kiss from my wonderful husband whom had made yummy cinnamon pancakes. We sat as a family and ate our pancakes. Then we went and cuddled on the couch watching on of Andrew's kid movies but it was just a short one and he wanted to watch it over and over so after the second time I had had enough of it so I told him to pick another real movie to which he cried but eventually picked Monster's Inc. I laid there with him and tried to sleep as Jon got ready for his meetings he has before church. Then I guess I had dozed off b/c when I woke up Jon was ready to go and Andrew was over by the table drinking some juice. Then I looked over and Andrew was trying to clean up his spilled juice and I don't know why but I just lost it. I am not proud of how I acted at all and now I feel so horrible that I just want to disappear out of everyone's life so I don't hurt my son, husband, and family or friends anymore. I am so tired to hurting the ones I love the most, including me. I just want this hell to end. Don't freak out I am not suicidal I am just frustrated with how things are and with how I am. How can I just be when I am this way?

I am going to go try my cranial electrotherapy again to see if that helps. I tried to use it this morning but it just stung my ears too much so I put it away but a little bit of pain would be worth it to help me get through this morning. Wish me luck!